We humans are social beings. Within the animal kingdom, no offspring require the attention of their parents for a longer time than humans. The presence of positive social interactions among family and friends form a fairly reliable barameter of our psychological health. History as well as the news media teach us that isolated and alienated persons create risk for themselves as well as society at large.
Two weeks ago I began a discussion of insights I’ve gleaned from teaching parenting courses about God as a parent. I launched with the premise that God, by choice, is a social being who not only dwells within the relationship of the Trinity, but who also has created humans in order to enter into a loving relationship with them, and to promote loving relationships among them. Theologically speaking, humans’ need for relationship springs from the Lord’s decision to make us in the image of God (Genesis 1:26). God reinforces the priority of this social aspect of human nature in the garden of Eden when the Lord decrees: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).
Therefore, it’s no surprise that my parenting course set the first crucial need for our children as connection. Biologically, our lives begin in utero with a physical connection to our mothers. Our progression from infancy through childhood and adolescence involves increasing physical separation as we learn to “take care of ourselves.” Yet, as physical proximity ebbs, emotional and psychological connection must take its place. We need to be loved to grow into our humanity and our God-given capacity for joyful thriving.
This is where parents come in. Loving our children provides them with the necessary psychological security to learn the skills that adulthood requires. As a baby, I can experiment with learning to walk because there is someone behind me both cheering me on and picking me up when I fall. So it goes with everything we must learn in growing up. It matters that someone has our back, that we have a sense of belonging – fitting in.
Of course, not all connections are good. Gang membership will give a child a sense of belonging but at an exorbitant price. Relationships that come with “strings attached” generally tend to warp and confine our ability to grow up. Think of all the “complexes” psychology defines that result when parents and caregivers fall short of loving their charges unconditionally. Even the most well meaning of parents find it challenging to navigate between being emotionally overbearing on the one hand, and too permissive on the other.
In last week’s post, “Two Halves of the Heart,” I pointed out how real loving – involves both nurturing and limit setting. This is a tall order for any human to pull off in perfect balance. As parents we try our best, but inevitably we fall down on the job in one way or another. In fact, even when we want to do the right thing in any relationship, we can’t depend on ourselves to get it right all the time. It would be hubris to do so.
It always brings us back to why we need God. God is the only connection we can make that will never fail or abandon us. As the psalmist describes it:
“God’s love is meteoric, his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks” (Psalms 36:5-6 The Message).
Paul goes on to confirm:
“Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture … None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us” (Romans 8:35-39).
We still need our relationships with humans, but our connection with God is what buffers us from devasting harm when the people we love fail to love us perfectly. The example of God’s forgiveness in turn paves the way for us to forgive each other.
Yet, God’s generosity allows us to experience bonds with others without acknowledging the Lord as the inventor of relationships. Even so, limiting our associations to creatures (humans and animals) has its pitfalls. Next week we’ll take a look at what happens our friends and family can’t keep our need for connection secure.
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