I find it a little concerning these days to hear college applicants being urged to include “community service” in their résumés because it enhances their profile. This kind of thinking turns the idea of “giving back” on its head: I should do it because it makes me look good.
The contention of my parenting course, and of course, the Bible, is that making a contribution of our time and gifts to others is a need that presses on us not so that we impress others but so that we feel enriched within. In addition, serious consequences result when this need goes unfulfilled.
As we’ve already discovered, children’s misbehavior indicates their mistaken notions about how to get their needs met. We noted that kids who feel insecure about belonging usually annoy parents with inappropriate bids for attention because they think having the focus on themselves will win them a feeling of connection. Similarly, children who are confused about the proper use of their capabilities often anger their parents and struggle with them over who has the most power. When children believe that what they do makes no positive contribution they resort to attempting to hurt their parents’ feelings. The logic runs: “If I can’t make a difference by adding something, I’ll make that difference by taking something away.” Usually the best way children can think of to hurt their parents is by hurting themselves. The course’s advice in these circumstances is always to refrain from punishment and do whatever the parent can do to rebuild the parent-child relationship.
The gospels give us many examples of Jesus doing exactly this with people whose behavior demonstrated that they felt they didn’t count in their society. Think of the “poor company” the Pharisees disparage Jesus for keeping – the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the lepers, and the disabled. How amazing is it that Jesus could preach about extreme moral rectitude (that hating is as bad as murder – Matthew 5:21-22) and yet eschew social stigmas in order to draw these pariahs to Himself with life restoring love and forgiveness. What a challenge it has been and still is for churches to recognize that God’s code of holiness is not promoted by the ostracism of sinners. For those who feel worthless preaching is meaningless: rather it is friendship building – loving from both halves of the heart that results in progress.
Violence is the most obvious fallout from our need to contribute going unfulfilled. We pay heavily from its repercussions daily.
More pervasive, however, is our capacity to turn our need to count into a selfishness that counts ourselves first with disclaimers like: “charity begins at home,” or “God helps him who helps himself.” How can any society be harmonious if people only worry about pleasing themselves?
As Jesus told us: “If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me” (Matthew 10:38-39 The Message).
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