Last week, we talked about connection – our sense of belonging with others – as the first of the four crucial psychological needs we have as humans. This showed up in my parenting course because ideally, children begin life with a bond to their parents and that promotes their ability to forge meaningful relationships beyond the home.
One of the most helpful insights presented in the parenting course was the notion that our children’s misbehavior was an indicator of unmet needs. Take the example of the child making annoying bids for inappropriate attention. Our usual impulse in these situations is either to “indulge” (give the cookie and stop the nagging) or “forbid” (yell at the child to stop asking) the child’s request. But both responses end up reinforcing the bad behavior instead of extinguishing it.
The psychological underpinning of the quest for attention is the need for connection. Children are only subconsciously aware of this need. On some level, they begin to feel “alone” and act in ways to gain attention in order to stop feeling isolated. In other words, they’re confused about how to meet this need for connection. Having the limelight for a moment – even when the notice is a scolding – seems better than feeling adrift, but it is not a lasting sensation. Only a deep-seated assurance of unconditional love answers this need. The course’s tip for these circumstances: ignore and divert the annoying bids for attention but follow up the incident when the child is calm with the gift of unasked-for attention. In this way we teach, “I love you just because you are, not because of what you do.”
I have experienced God using this same technique with me. Some of my most urgent prayers, especially those things I have wished for myself, God has often tactfully ignored, but the Lord has followed them up with assurances of love and provisions for perseverance. In this way I have come to see God walking around with me, closing doors here and granting me havens there, all the while demonstrating to me that no matter what mistakes I make, and how long it takes me to learn certain lessons, the Lord has my back and I belong to God. As Paul reminds us:
“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us” (Ephesians 3:20-21 The Message).
Part of maturing into adulthood involves the recognition that people are not perfect. Our parents are human and make mistakes – so do our spouses and our friends. Usually we can accept that people will let us down from time to time and our sense of being connected is not seriously threatened.
However, when I find myself doing my own “attention-seeking” maneuvers either with my spouse or a friend, it helps to recognize that I’m actually feeling insecure about how much they love me. Certainly sometimes this is a red flag to a bona fide problem within the relationship, but often enough, I find that the real culprit lies in my unreasonable expectations of the other. I must not expect a mere human to love me as thoroughly and dependably as God can.
Yet, how many times do humans do just that: desire another human in a close relationship – a lover, a parent, a child, a friend – to become the operating principle of our happiness. CS Lewis observes in The Four Loves that whenever we promote another human to the status that only God can fill, the beloved becomes for us a demon – dismantling our life.
Still, God is incredibly generous with us. When we make good connections we find that they sustain us whether we recognize God’s hand in them or not. Every time we encounter something close to divine love – love that operates with both sides of the heart* – the Lord is preparing our palate to enjoy the deliciousness of Godly love.
While it’s true that God is our ultimate connection, the Lord cares tremendously that we also make relationships with other. Our longing to belong gets satisfied as we learn to love both each other and God.
“God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us” (1 John 4:18 The Message).
* See “Two Halves of the Heart” posted Feb 12.
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