Most parents mean well when they assert: “I work hard to treat each of my children the same so that no one feels there is a favorite.” The problem is that none of us wants to be treated “the same” as everyone else when it comes to loving relationships.
In Siblings Without Rivalry, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish explain that children are never as impressed by receiving “equal” handling as parents would like to think. Giving each child the same number and/or value of presents and the same number of extracurricular lessons seems “fairest” at first blush, but it doesn’t stop kids from finding ways to feel shortchanged.
Equality is essential when we’re speaking about the law of the land, but among our loved ones, we want to be celebrated for what makes us unique (in its original meaning of “one-of-a-kind”). Faber and Mazlish’s answer: we need to love each child uniquely – according to his/her particular needs and special gifts. Maybe one child craves our listening ear, while another thrives with more social activity. Certainly some kids benefit from help with homework, while others do better figuring things out for themselves.
We love better when we love with specificity. What makes a love letter, or a tribute, or a eulogy resonate for us is its capacity to articulate what is special about the person being described. While it may be momentarily flattering to be praised – for beauty, or brains, or bravery – what really makes us feel loved is when someone demonstrates that he/she knows us well and appreciates what we can do that no one else does quite the same.
This is how God loves us. The Lord made each of us unique by design, as our scientific understanding of DNA – life’s building blocks – now proves. Clearly, God didn’t worry that giving each of us different gifts and lots in life would be “unfair.” Instead, God gives us something better than mere fairness – the privilege of being “known.”
As our maker, God knows us so thoroughly – so intimately. The Lord sees and appreciates everything special in us and wants to celebrate the beauty of each soul’s uniqueness. At the same time, God’s love has the mysterious quality of accepting us “as is” while simultaneously spurring us on to that better version of ourselves that only the Lord can envision.
Long ago, the psalmist understood this:
“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day” (Psalms 139:13-16 The Message).
In the weeks ahead, let’s explore this amazing capacity of God to love uniquely with a series of biblical examples.
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